Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Day 1

        I begin today.

        I think maybe if I constantly had mirrors around me all the time I never would have gotten as fat as I am. Almost 270 pounds? Never! I really believe that as I walk around in this body of mine I never really think about my weight. When I am working or eating or watching TV or anything, I never really give a thought to my body or my weight or my size. I pretty much feel like I did 8-9 years ago when I was a much thinner 160 pounds. I guess, in my mind I'm still that size 12 girl from high school who wore 'normal' clothes yet felt fat and out of place anyway. Looking back at old pictures I realize I was pretty normal sized. Compared to what I look like now, I was very thin! Not anorexic, but healthy, 'normal', looking good. I am seriously confounded as to why I felt fat back then when I looked fine, great. Now I find myself at 262 pounds hardly fitting into a size 18-20. It hurts. As I look through recent pictures of myself I see a girl almost bursting out of her body. My face is huge. My body is huge. It is quite obviously the embodiment of the statement "you would be so pretty if only you were thinner." I see that now, I do.

        So, enough is enough. I am done being fat. That's it. I have had enough of constantly feeling uncomfortable, being huge, not fitting into clothes, being unhappy with myself. I start changing things right now. Today. I can't wait to see the numbers on the scale get progressively smaller. I have had enough of being overweight, fat, obese. Today I start day 1 of my new lifestyle change. I am committing to this and I will see my commitment, my promise to myself, through this time. I will stick to it every day, every week, every month, until the numbers on the scale say 150lbs, and then I will keep my commitment so that the numbers never again creep up as they have so many times in the past.

        Some more words that push me, words about commitment, by W.H. Murray, The Scottish Himalayan Expedition: Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way. I learned a deep respect for one of Goethe's couplets:

        "Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it.
        Boldness has genius, power and magic in it!"

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

start stop start stop start stop... and START again.

        I am waking up. Committing. No turning back.

        Read on for the words that motivated me. Words can say so much, describe so much, push me so much. Hopefully this is the final push I needed.....

        Twitching with Twight by Mark Twight
        What's your problem? I think I know. You see it in the mirror every morning: temptation and doubt hip to hip inside your head. You know it's not supposed to be like this ...
        Tell the truth. First, to yourself. Say it until it hurts. Learn the reality of your own selfishness. Quit living for other people at the expense of your own self, you're not really alive. You live in the land of denial - and they say the view is pretty a long as you remain asleep.
Well it's time to WAKE THE FUCK UP!
        So do it. Wake up. When you drink the coffee tomorrow, take it black and notice it. Feel the caffeine surge through you. Don't take it for granted. Use it for something.
        ... Punish your body to perfect your soul. ... show, don't tell. Don't react to the itch with a scratch. Instead, learn it. Honor the necessity of both the itch and the scratch. But a haircut and a new soundtrack do not a modern man make. As long as you have a safety net you act without commitment. You'll go back to your old habits once you meet a little resistance. You need the samurai's desperateness and his insanity.
        Burn the bridge. Nuke the foundation. Back yourself up against a wall. Have an opinion one way or the other, get off the fence and rip it up. Cut yourself off so there is no going back. Once you're committed the truth will come out. You ask about security? What you need is uncertainty. What you need is confusion; something that forces you to reinvent yourself, a whip to drive you harder.
        "I never try anything - I just do it. Want to try me?" White Zombie, "Thunder Kiss"
        In Dune, Frank Herbert called it "the attitude of the knife, cut off what's incomplete and say now it has finished, for it has ended there. So finish it, and walk away, forward. Only acts undertaken with commitment have meaning. Only your best effort matters. Life is a Meritocracy, with death as the auditor. Inconsistency, incompetence and lies are all cut short by that final word. Death will change you if you can't change yourself.