Wednesday, December 16, 2009

It's hard to lose weight when you're not even trying

        The first time I gained weight, I was in college. Basically, I was a crazy stressed out student who coped with everything by eating, and eating, and eating. At first, my coping mechanism also included lots of exercise, so I lost weight instead of gaining the freshman 15. Then, I went from being a freshman to a sophomore to a junior, and free time was something I had less and less of, so exercise slowly got cut out and before I knew it I'd put on 70lbs to go from 150lbs to 220lbs. Since then, I have yo-yoed up and down to a low of 208 (Lindora) and back up to a high of 266 (too much food), with my current weight holding strong at 246lbs.

        All this to say... I'm in college again and free time is nonexistent, the going got tough, and guess what? No diet. I was doing SO well for a while there... Eating right, cooking healthy food, storing leftovers to bring with me on busy days, counting calories, and generally writing down everything I consumed so I could watch what I was doing right and wrong. It worked. I went from 266lbs to 242lbs in less than 2 months. But then? But then, here I am now. It's been weeks since I last wrote in my food diary, weeks since I got a proper hard exercise in, weeks since I paid attention to what I was eating. Thanksgiving weekend brought my weight back up to 246lbs and that's where (thankfully) I've held steady for the last few weeks. It's hard to say at least there was no gain, at least I maintained, because I don't even feel I deserve that. I should not have fallen back into bad habits, but I did. The problem is, my bad habits aren't just bad habits. They are well and truly the steady state of my life right now, what my mind still thinks is the norm, and it's going to be very hard to readjust to a new steady state where healthy is the norm and eating like I have the past couple of weeks is simply out of the question. Hard, but doable. Doable if only I tried. I would try if only I had the time. Ahh, and here is the pattern...
Try->DO->Get busy->Give up. On and on in a circle.

        You'd think this is where I say, now, it all changes NOW. Hmmm, seems like I've said that before, about a million times. I'm sick of hearing myself say it, think it even. Also, there is this little problem of I'm not actually going to try again until I get back home for the holidays. I just can't, well, maybe I can, I should, but I wont be. I have two finals standing between me and my flight home on Friday... home to my boyfriend, home to my family, home to my healthy habits? So yeah, I'm here and I'm being truthful. Come Monday my food journal will be filled to the brim with good eats and exercise and health. Right now, I can't and even though that's a choice I am making willingly, I still feel terrible about making it. Monday. I'll be back.

        Dear ladies of the Fall into Fitness challenge, yeah, I suck, and my weight is still 246lbs, but I'll still be weighing in until the end, hopefully you will as well. Even if I did take a couple week hiatus right in the middle there, I want to keep going. I don't want to give up on the first ever challenge I started. :) Stay with me?

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Still here, still going...

        I'm still here! I promise to write more soon... I weighed in this morning at 244lbs, so I gained 0.2lbs over Thanksgiving, which seems like I somewhat maintained and for the first time in quite a few years I didn't gain a lot of weight, phew! Not a loss, but not a huge gain either. One eating holiday down, a few more to go!

        I will write more soon... It's too late now to write about flying home for Thanksgiving to all the surprised happy faces reacting to the weight I've lost so far... Or about how hard it was not to give in to the temptations on Thanksgiving, and how I definitely ate more than I have for weeks and more than I should have... I'm sure I'll be facing quite a similar dilemma when I go home for Christmas, so I will definitely write about it then!

        Right now, I'm working on a few projects for school and finals are in a week, so I'm a bit overwhelmed and slightly hyperventilating about it all! Two weeks and it will be over and I can concentrate on exercising and doing right by my body. For now, I am concentrating on school and eating all the soups I pre-made and froze for myself and salads and making these healthy choices so at least my food will remain on track while my mind is going berserk. Wish me luck!