Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Day 1

        I begin today.

        I think maybe if I constantly had mirrors around me all the time I never would have gotten as fat as I am. Almost 270 pounds? Never! I really believe that as I walk around in this body of mine I never really think about my weight. When I am working or eating or watching TV or anything, I never really give a thought to my body or my weight or my size. I pretty much feel like I did 8-9 years ago when I was a much thinner 160 pounds. I guess, in my mind I'm still that size 12 girl from high school who wore 'normal' clothes yet felt fat and out of place anyway. Looking back at old pictures I realize I was pretty normal sized. Compared to what I look like now, I was very thin! Not anorexic, but healthy, 'normal', looking good. I am seriously confounded as to why I felt fat back then when I looked fine, great. Now I find myself at 262 pounds hardly fitting into a size 18-20. It hurts. As I look through recent pictures of myself I see a girl almost bursting out of her body. My face is huge. My body is huge. It is quite obviously the embodiment of the statement "you would be so pretty if only you were thinner." I see that now, I do.

        So, enough is enough. I am done being fat. That's it. I have had enough of constantly feeling uncomfortable, being huge, not fitting into clothes, being unhappy with myself. I start changing things right now. Today. I can't wait to see the numbers on the scale get progressively smaller. I have had enough of being overweight, fat, obese. Today I start day 1 of my new lifestyle change. I am committing to this and I will see my commitment, my promise to myself, through this time. I will stick to it every day, every week, every month, until the numbers on the scale say 150lbs, and then I will keep my commitment so that the numbers never again creep up as they have so many times in the past.

        Some more words that push me, words about commitment, by W.H. Murray, The Scottish Himalayan Expedition: Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way. I learned a deep respect for one of Goethe's couplets:

        "Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it.
        Boldness has genius, power and magic in it!"


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