Sunday, October 25, 2009

Morbidly obese and going up, instead of down

        I have a midterm on Monday and my diet has derailed SO badly and I am SO swamped with schoolwork that I can't even figure out how to get back on the rails right now. At the moment, I am officially a miserable failure at the lifestyle change thing and I'm back up to 251.6lbs. That's right, since I "derailed" on Friday morning I have packed on 5.2lbs. Arghhhh! Why do I do this to myself? and why aren't there more hours in the day?!?

        I would love nothing more than to be one of those tiny girls you see walking around in tiny, tiny skirts and tight tops. How difficult is that going to be, given that I am so used to giving up when things start to get a little more tough, when time starts to get a little more constrained? I was doing so well and the minute life got in the way, the minute I got too busy to deal with managing my food, I just stopped and gave in to having whatever was most convenient, whatever I wanted. I am so fed up with feeling not good enough, and beyond that just feeling SO uncomfortable in my own skin. My own stretched out, dimpled, fat skin, that doesn’t even feel like my own anymore. I feel overwhelmed by sadness whenever I see thin girls wearing gorgeous clothes, wearing whatever they want, while I am hobbling around in size 20 jeans, buying a new pair almost every other month because they keep wearing out between the legs. I want to go into a store and try on something that’s a size 10, a size 8, sizes I haven’t seen in my closet for more than 10 years now. I am only 27, I should not be hiding in ugly huge sweaters and not going out and having fun because I feel so huge and awful. And yet, and yet... Life got in the way again. I try again.


Chai Latté said...

I hear ya, sugar.
I went to these outlet stores this weekend, seeing girls pooling into the designer stores that I've never been able to shop at. It is a horrible way to feel, and a horrible way to live. But, we do. :-/

You have to just keep trying. I know you want it bad enough. We'll get there, ok? It'll take years, but it'll be worth it.

I know a pep talk isn't what you want. I am sure they annoy the hell out of you as much as they do me. It's just that all I can is.. I'm with you. I feel the way you do, and its just as easy for me to fall off the skinnytrain. And so I am here for you... but unfortunately you just have to be there for yourself.

So, pick yourself up, have a gigantic 3lb poop and eat good today. :-)

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