Monday, October 12, 2009


        Why do I do this to myself? Apparently I am HUGE fan of self-sabotoge. I do so well for a couple of weeks and then completely fall off the wagon without a second thought to all the hard work I've done so far. Eating 'better' has been quite an adjustment for me, for my body, for my mind. It hasn't been easy but I kept with it for 2 weeks, so why did I go and overeat again? By Friday, I had lost another 5lbs and now it's Monday and I managed to sabotage myself on Saturday and Sunday and bring my weight back up to 255.4lbs! Saturday night and Sunday night I just ate whatever I wanted without thinking about the consequences. Ok, that's not true, I thought about the consequences, but the urge to eat and eat was so strong I just gave in to it. I know that the cravings were due, in large part, to my upcoming tom. I knew how to avoid this. I knew that I could have prepared for the events I had planned and eaten beforehand and been just fine. Instead, I decided to indulge myself, enjoy myself. Well, I'm not enjoying myself now! I know I shouldn't have had as much as I did. I am back on track now and I will definitely remember how I feel right now the next time I think eating anything and everything is a good idea. How often do I have to tell myself that this time will be different and that this time I will stick to it for more than just a few weeks, before it comes true?

        I had planned on writing about guilt today, but I didn't know then how much more I was going to be feeling guilty about now. What I was referring to in my last post is the guilt I felt about eating out last Wednesday night. I had Pho and it was delicious and I had paced my eating during the rest of the day in anticipation for the eating out I was going to do at night. This didn't make me feel any less guilty about eating out. I have become so accustomed to 'eating out' being equivalent to overeating, fattening, etc, that even this healthy meal I had caused me to feel guilty! So guilty, in fact, that I felt out of sorts on Thursday and not hungry at all and couldn't eat anything all day. I basically had one cup of tea with milk, that's all, for the entire day! Even when I am on a healthy path I manage to find a way to have very disordered eating. And now I've blown it by eating even more poorly on Saturday and Sunday night. Ahh, guilty guilty guilty me. Lesson learned! I'm back on today.

        How do you guys do it? How do you deal with indulging yourself once in a while without either feeling completely guilty or just throwing off the healthy balance you achieved and tipping back over into indulging yourself too much? I really need to shake my mentality of, oh well, now that I've had too much of one thing, may as well throw in the towel and completely give in to the cravings!


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