It's hard to lose weight when you're not even trying

        The first time I gained weight, I was in college. Basically, I was a crazy stressed out student who coped with everything by eating, and eating, and eating. At first, my coping mechanism also included lots of exercise, so I lost weight instead of gaining the freshman 15. Then, I went from being a freshman to a sophomore to a junior, and free time was something I had less and less of, so exercise slowly got cut out and before I knew it I'd put on 70lbs to go from 150lbs to 220lbs. Since then, I have yo-yoed up and down to a low of 208 (Lindora) and back up to a high of 266 (too much food), with my current weight holding strong at 246lbs.

        All this to say... I'm in college again and free time is nonexistent, the going got tough, and guess what? No diet. I was doing SO well for a while there... Eating right, cooking healthy food, storing leftovers to bring with me on busy days, counting calories, and generally writing down everything I consumed so I could watch what I was doing right and wrong. It worked. I went from 266lbs to 242lbs in less than 2 months. But then? But then, here I am now. It's been weeks since I last wrote in my food diary, weeks since I got a proper hard exercise in, weeks since I paid attention to what I was eating. Thanksgiving weekend brought my weight back up to 246lbs and that's where (thankfully) I've held steady for the last few weeks. It's hard to say at least there was no gain, at least I maintained, because I don't even feel I deserve that. I should not have fallen back into bad habits, but I did. The problem is, my bad habits aren't just bad habits. They are well and truly the steady state of my life right now, what my mind still thinks is the norm, and it's going to be very hard to readjust to a new steady state where healthy is the norm and eating like I have the past couple of weeks is simply out of the question. Hard, but doable. Doable if only I tried. I would try if only I had the time. Ahh, and here is the pattern...
Try->DO->Get busy->Give up. On and on in a circle.

        You'd think this is where I say, now, it all changes NOW. Hmmm, seems like I've said that before, about a million times. I'm sick of hearing myself say it, think it even. Also, there is this little problem of I'm not actually going to try again until I get back home for the holidays. I just can't, well, maybe I can, I should, but I wont be. I have two finals standing between me and my flight home on Friday... home to my boyfriend, home to my family, home to my healthy habits? So yeah, I'm here and I'm being truthful. Come Monday my food journal will be filled to the brim with good eats and exercise and health. Right now, I can't and even though that's a choice I am making willingly, I still feel terrible about making it. Monday. I'll be back.

        Dear ladies of the Fall into Fitness challenge, yeah, I suck, and my weight is still 246lbs, but I'll still be weighing in until the end, hopefully you will as well. Even if I did take a couple week hiatus right in the middle there, I want to keep going. I don't want to give up on the first ever challenge I started. :) Stay with me?

Still here, still going...

        I'm still here! I promise to write more soon... I weighed in this morning at 244lbs, so I gained 0.2lbs over Thanksgiving, which seems like I somewhat maintained and for the first time in quite a few years I didn't gain a lot of weight, phew! Not a loss, but not a huge gain either. One eating holiday down, a few more to go!

        I will write more soon... It's too late now to write about flying home for Thanksgiving to all the surprised happy faces reacting to the weight I've lost so far... Or about how hard it was not to give in to the temptations on Thanksgiving, and how I definitely ate more than I have for weeks and more than I should have... I'm sure I'll be facing quite a similar dilemma when I go home for Christmas, so I will definitely write about it then!

        Right now, I'm working on a few projects for school and finals are in a week, so I'm a bit overwhelmed and slightly hyperventilating about it all! Two weeks and it will be over and I can concentrate on exercising and doing right by my body. For now, I am concentrating on school and eating all the soups I pre-made and froze for myself and salads and making these healthy choices so at least my food will remain on track while my mind is going berserk. Wish me luck!

Gym!

I finally went back to the gym today!

I did 30 minutes on the elliptical glider, on Random setting, Level 3. According to the machine I did 3 miles and burned 500 calories (not so sure I believe this one).

Yay!! :) When I was on the machine I felt such a rush, all the endorphins kicked in and I was so happy to finally be exercising in the gym again. Of course when I started I set the machine to 60 minutes and today I was only able to do 30, but you know what? I am ok with that. I went back, I did half an hour. I will keep going and adding on until I can get to that 60 minutes.

Hurt so good

        You know the pain and muscle soreness that comes from a great day at the gym? Abs hurting when you laugh because they have been crunched and twisted and exercised so hard? I like that feeling. I call it the good hurt and I look forward to it-- it makes me feel like I am achieving something through all my hard work exercising. Plus, it's an added benefit to know my body will be burning some extra calories repairing whatever it is that is causing the soreness in the muscles. I can't wait for the good hurt, I can already feel it in my legs from the long walk I took yesterday. Now I just need to exercise my abs, so I can feel it there too.

        Lately I've been feeling a different kind of good hurt, and I have to say it both makes me feel good and scares me. We all know that in order to lose weight we have to take in less calories than we burn, etc. Well, even with eating 6 times a day I am now taking in very much less calories than I was just a few months ago, and for the last 8 years. This has meant that almost every morning I wake up with a slight gnawing in my stomach. Sometimes I feel it during the day too. But it's not a horrible pain, like I used to get when I hadn't eaten all day and my body was asking for the one large meal a day I was scarfing down. No, this is more of a constant empty feeling, but not bad empty. I am not over full. I have not felt the extreme discomfort that comes after eating way more than is ever necessary for a long time now and I never want to feel it again. What scares me though is that I am getting used to the gnawing empty feeling. I am actually looking forward to it, and happy to feel it. I have started to equate this feeling to the weight loss, which really, it is. The less I eat, the more I lose. I am, however, scared that this will take me too far into the other direction. Back into the place of disordered eating... but the other side this time... Eating too little, starving myself because it feels good and the weight loss feels so great! I know that knowing is half the battle and I have to keep myself in check now. Make sure I am still getting in all my meals, make sure I am eating no less than 1200 calories a day, and make sure I don't stop eating because the weight loss feels so good. That will surely end badly, and I've adopted this lifestyle change to be healthier, not make my health deteriorate more!


***

        On a lighter note, today starts the first day of the Looking to the Future Christmas Challenge, and I am happy to report that as of this morning I am 242.6lbs. My goal is to lose 12.6lbs by the end of the challenge (Saturday December 26th), bringing me to 230lbs and also making this the first Christmas holiday I weigh less after than I did before! :)

This is actually working!

Fall into Fitness, Week 3:

Current weight: 243.8lbs !
*Weight lost last week? -5.6lbs !!
*Goals for this week:
AGAIN, nothing much different from last week because I never got to the gym. I have been stressed with life as a student, studying for midterms, doing projects-- so basically I was just super strict with my eating and got in exercise when I could-- through walking everywhere and dodgeball (I play on a team 1 night a week, so much fun!).
- Make sure to prepare meals in advance when I know I wont be at home all day.
- Write down everything I eat and any exercise I do. (Once again, at the beginning of the week I dropped the ball on writing things down. I will be better about it this week because I've gotten back in the habit.)
- Try to go to the gym at least 3x by the end of the week. I MUST! (No gym last week, just walking and dodgeball.)
*Wins from last week... I definitely got back to eating healthy meals I cooked for myself. I brought leftovers for lunch and ate very healthy foods all week. That said, I really REALLY need to get back to the gym. I can feel my body and willpower reverting back to non-gym status. I am going to start tomorrow morning at the gym, see if I can nip this anti-gymness in the bud. I'm so glad I lost a big number this week, and I think I can do it again, or at least keep losing, as long as I go to the gym. I need to be preparing for the following week and how tough my first Thanksgiving on this lifestyle change business is going to be. I hope to bring tales from going to the gym next week! :)

I had the swine flu! I couldn't exercise... I still lost weight?

Fall into Fitness, Week 2:

*Current weight: 249.4lbs
*Weight lost last week? -4.2lbs
*Goals for this week:
Nothing much different from last week because I still have the lingering side-effects of the flu I'm shaking off!
- Get back to eating healthy meals I cook for myself. (I spent last week eating soup I bought, not necessarily the healthiest...)
- Make sure to prepare meals in advance when I know I wont be at home all day.
- Write down everything I eat and any exercise I do. (I dropped the ball on writing things down. I will be better about it this week.)
- Try to go to the gym at least 3x by the end of the week. (I am still congested in the chest but hopefully that will pass in the next day or so.)
*Last week... I'm super excited I managed to lose 4.2lbs! I really need to get back to exercising. My body is actually craving it! Unfortunately I still have this cough and running isn't helping it any, so I haven't been to the gym or out for a run in a couple of weeks now. :( I can feel my body going back to it's couch-potato state! This is not good. Also, I felt too weak to go do the 5K last Sunday morning. Double :( At least my weight is down this week and I know what I have to work on for next week!

Should I do it?

        So I signed up for a 5K that's going to be this Sunday... Here's the problem, I haven't exercised since I got sick soon after my last run, which was, oh October 27th! Add to that the fact that I only did 20 minutes of non-stop running that day... and only managed to run 1.5 miles in that time. I'm not sure I can go out on Sunday and double that distance... Should I do it? I've been sick, but I am feeling better, still congested, but better. Should I attempt this? I'm thinking of going and starting the run for the first 20 minutes, since I know I can do that, and then alternating between a walk and a run until I cross the finish line. I hope I can do this!

8 Week Challenge, Start weight 253.6lbs

Fall into Fitness, Week 1:
Alright ladies, and so it begins!

*Start weight: 253.6lbs
*Goals for this week:
- Get back to eating healthy meals I cook for myself.
- Make sure to prepare meals in advance when I know I wont be at home all day.
- Write down everything I eat and any exercise I do.
- Try to go to the gym at least 2x by the end of the week, as long as I am feeling better physically, no longer ill. I don't want to push it and end up prolonging the illness because that will mean more time out of the gym and more time spent feeling bad!
*Last week... sucked because I was sick in bed. I just ate soup and everything else that was brought to me, I did no exercise and just felt miserable. I am still feeling it in my throat and I have a cough, so I may not be able to go to they gym during the beginning of this week either. I want to make sure I am all better before I go back to strenuous exercise. Until then, at least I walk back and forth to my classes and get in some movement throughout the day. I can't wait to go back to C25K, I left off on Week 6, Day 1, and will pick back up on Day 2 as soon as I feel up to it.

Ready? Ready... set... go!

Fall into Fitness, 8 Week Challenge!

        So I just had the flu... no, not the swine flu (I don't think?!) just regular old flu. I've been AWOL for the last couple of days because I couldn't keep my head up long enough to write a post or even look at my computer! I'm feeling better now, at least somewhat, so here I am ready continue what I started last week. Thanks, you guys, for posting about the Challenge (if you have already), now let's get this thing started! :) Since I've basically been immobile in bed for the past few days I haven't had a chance to weigh-in or anything, so do you mind if we start weigh-ins tomorrow and follow up every Wednesday morning? Also, have I mentioned that apparently I don't know how to add? We need 1 extra week in order to make the challenge 8 weeks total, which means if the start date for the challenge is Wednesday November 4th, then the official last weigh-in will be Wednesday December 30, one day before we ring in the New Year 2010!

        I'll be keeping an official tally of numbers on the sidebar of my blog, so either post on your own page or send me an email for the week after you weigh-in on Wednesday and I will add (subtract!) numbers as we progress.

Fall into Fitness, 8 Week Challenge!
Start date Wednesday November 4, 2009

Official Rules:

1. Weigh-in once a week (final weigh-in will be on Wednesday December 30, but if you have another weigh-in day and want to keep that day until final weigh-in, that's fine, just try to do the same day every week).
2. Post on your blog once a week and mention your weight from the weigh-in and your goals for the week.
3. Also feel free to include in the post wins from the previous week, excitements, frustrations, etc, so we can encourage each other as we go along.

Good luck! I am so excited to do this with you guys (and sorry about the dates/starts being thrown off due to miscalculations and illness)!

8 Week Challenge, here we come!

        8 Week Challenge starts tomorrow! I'm so excited that some of you have decided to do this with me! Katie J has even offered to make us a nice award the winner can post on her blog! :) I am really excited to do this, and no matter who wins with the most loss at the end, we know we're all going to be winners because we're all going to lose weight and have this extra motivation to help get though it, together!

        I suppose we should talk about some rules now. Right now here's everyone who responded and will be taking up the Challenge with me:
Chai
100in12
Katie J

        There are four of us and I will try to go leave messages for some of the other blogs I read and keep up with, see if anyone else wants to join. You guys should too! I don't know about the monetary prize, since it may or may not be extra motivating, if it's only $20. Although, in this economy, that could buy a smaller pair of on sale jeans! You guys let me know how if you want to do that or not.

        On to the 8 Week Challenge Rules. It seems so dry to just call it the 8 Week Challenge. What about adding some more to the name? The something 8 Week Challenge? Help me out! :) I think we should go Biggest Loser style with this and calculate % body weight loss rather than numbers. I mean we can collect weight loss numbers for 8 weeks and then calculate % of loss at the end, might be a little more accurate to determine who lost the most? Also, why don't we each write a post once a week stating our goals for the week and how we plan on making the best of it to get to our own goals by the end of 8 weeks? Please let me know if you guys think I should add anything to that and then I'll write up a new post for tomorrow stating all the rules again and my own goals for these coming 8 weeks.

I can't wait! :)

Let's do a challenge, are you with me?

        I've had some major food fail in the last week. I went back to old bad habits and it really sucked. My body is feeling all sorts of gross because of it. Fortunately, I've kept up with the C25K running, so other than water I don't think I've put on any weight. I'm here, I haven't quit, I just faltered for a week. Stress looked me in the eye (and belly) and I crumbled. Stress 1, Kat 0. But I am focused again, and that's the first step, I think, to losing weight, keeping focus on the healthy lifestyle... I'm focused!

        Sometimes I need a little more to motivate me. A little fun, a little challenge. So here it is, an 8 Week Challenge, a nice round number of weeks to achieve a goal. So, from November 1 to December 19, I am going to push myself harder than I have so far. I am doubling, tripling my efforts. This Christmas my friends and family will see me thinner than they have in about 3 years. My goal? To lose at least 20lbs in 8 weeks. I will be down 20lbs by the time I weigh in on Sunday December 20th. This is going to be doubly rewarding. I will not only lose weight (best part), but also having worked my butt off (literally) for 8 weeks, by the time Christmas rolls around the week the challenge is over, I will have all that hard work I did to remind me why I should not give in to the temptation of the holiday meals. These next 8 weeks (which, by the way, include Thanksgiving and my finals week- both of which are going to test my resolve and ability to stick with the healthy lifestyle through one holiday and two weeks of crazy stress) are going to make me that much stronger, and healthier, and able to look at the spread on Christmas and New Years and pick the healthiest, smallest portions I've eaten on the holidays in years. So you can bet that when January 1st 2010 rolls around, I will be walking around with less rolls! and an even bigger resolve to make 2010 the year I achieve my goal of being 150lbs. :) I can't wait!

        Anyone want to do this with me? We can even name the challenge and make an award for the winner to display on their blog! Maybe we can even pitch in $5 each on paypal or something and winner gets a little extra dough for holiday shopping?

Morbidly obese and going up, instead of down

        I have a midterm on Monday and my diet has derailed SO badly and I am SO swamped with schoolwork that I can't even figure out how to get back on the rails right now. At the moment, I am officially a miserable failure at the lifestyle change thing and I'm back up to 251.6lbs. That's right, since I "derailed" on Friday morning I have packed on 5.2lbs. Arghhhh! Why do I do this to myself? and why aren't there more hours in the day?!?

        I would love nothing more than to be one of those tiny girls you see walking around in tiny, tiny skirts and tight tops. How difficult is that going to be, given that I am so used to giving up when things start to get a little more tough, when time starts to get a little more constrained? I was doing so well and the minute life got in the way, the minute I got too busy to deal with managing my food, I just stopped and gave in to having whatever was most convenient, whatever I wanted. I am so fed up with feeling not good enough, and beyond that just feeling SO uncomfortable in my own skin. My own stretched out, dimpled, fat skin, that doesn’t even feel like my own anymore. I feel overwhelmed by sadness whenever I see thin girls wearing gorgeous clothes, wearing whatever they want, while I am hobbling around in size 20 jeans, buying a new pair almost every other month because they keep wearing out between the legs. I want to go into a store and try on something that’s a size 10, a size 8, sizes I haven’t seen in my closet for more than 10 years now. I am only 27, I should not be hiding in ugly huge sweaters and not going out and having fun because I feel so huge and awful. And yet, and yet... Life got in the way again. I try again.

Step... away.. from the scale!!

        I need to lock up my scale or something. In the last three weeks, I have been on the scale pretty much every single day. At first, it was great. I was seeing the numbers go down on a daily basis, a few ounces here, a pound there. Not anymore! I have held steady since weigh-in on Sunday and it is making me very very anxious and sad. I know, logically, that I should just wait until weigh-in on Sunday because the numbers will surely be lower then (right??). I also know, very well, that I should not expect to keep losing huge amounts of weight per week now that all the "water weight" is gone. Knowing sometimes doesn't mean much. :( I am not happy with this and I am feeling anxious about weighing in on Sunday (which is still 4 whole days away!) because I'm afraid to weigh the same I did last Sunday. So, I need to lock up the scale. Stick it in the closet (instead of having it stare at me from the corner of my room) and not take it out except on Sunday mornings. And, if by Sunday, I really don't lose any weight this week, well, I'll freak out on that bridge if (when? oh, man, I hope not when) I get to it...

Everything that was old is new again

        I am officially down a total of 15lbs since I started eating right and being accountable for my body, myself. Woohoo! I now have less than 100lbs to go! Ok, so it's like 96lbs, but still! Less than 100! I went out last night wearing my new (old, out of my closet, but never been worn before) size 18 jeans and it felt so so so good. I knew I looked a lot better than I have in the past few months and I felt great. Not to mention, I love shopping out of my own closet and having smaller sizes fit! So motivational. Even more motivating were the numbers on the scale at weigh-in this morning... 246.4lbs. Yes!

I am inspired.
I am excited.
I am scared.
I am happy.
I am ready.
Everything changes now.
I can't wait... to feel healthy... to feel lighter... to meet the thinner me... to love the thinner me... to shop in my own closet... to buy clothes in regular sizes! ...and to feel good (in general and about myself) because I know I look good!

Sometimes

I feel like I'm all alone out here.

        I read blogs and leave comments and encourage people, but it seems like I'm the only one reading my own blog. I know I don't post very often, I'm still trying to figure out what it is I have to say, what I think and feel and how to articulate all that. But I do consistently, daily, hourly almost, update the "Daily Food Journal" link with all the food I consume on a daily basis. I guess I should post more often and say something interesting to keep people coming back for more? I need some blog-world encouragement! Is anyone out there??

Guilt

        Why do I do this to myself? Apparently I am HUGE fan of self-sabotoge. I do so well for a couple of weeks and then completely fall off the wagon without a second thought to all the hard work I've done so far. Eating 'better' has been quite an adjustment for me, for my body, for my mind. It hasn't been easy but I kept with it for 2 weeks, so why did I go and overeat again? By Friday, I had lost another 5lbs and now it's Monday and I managed to sabotage myself on Saturday and Sunday and bring my weight back up to 255.4lbs! Saturday night and Sunday night I just ate whatever I wanted without thinking about the consequences. Ok, that's not true, I thought about the consequences, but the urge to eat and eat was so strong I just gave in to it. I know that the cravings were due, in large part, to my upcoming tom. I knew how to avoid this. I knew that I could have prepared for the events I had planned and eaten beforehand and been just fine. Instead, I decided to indulge myself, enjoy myself. Well, I'm not enjoying myself now! I know I shouldn't have had as much as I did. I am back on track now and I will definitely remember how I feel right now the next time I think eating anything and everything is a good idea. How often do I have to tell myself that this time will be different and that this time I will stick to it for more than just a few weeks, before it comes true?

        I had planned on writing about guilt today, but I didn't know then how much more I was going to be feeling guilty about now. What I was referring to in my last post is the guilt I felt about eating out last Wednesday night. I had Pho and it was delicious and I had paced my eating during the rest of the day in anticipation for the eating out I was going to do at night. This didn't make me feel any less guilty about eating out. I have become so accustomed to 'eating out' being equivalent to overeating, fattening, etc, that even this healthy meal I had caused me to feel guilty! So guilty, in fact, that I felt out of sorts on Thursday and not hungry at all and couldn't eat anything all day. I basically had one cup of tea with milk, that's all, for the entire day! Even when I am on a healthy path I manage to find a way to have very disordered eating. And now I've blown it by eating even more poorly on Saturday and Sunday night. Ahh, guilty guilty guilty me. Lesson learned! I'm back on today.

        How do you guys do it? How do you deal with indulging yourself once in a while without either feeling completely guilty or just throwing off the healthy balance you achieved and tipping back over into indulging yourself too much? I really need to shake my mentality of, oh well, now that I've had too much of one thing, may as well throw in the towel and completely give in to the cravings!

I suck at writing things down!

        I'm still here, doing the lifestyle change thing. Have you checked out my food journal? I update that every day, pretty much right before or after I eat. Sometimes I wonder if I am eating the right things. The weight is coming off right now, so that at least is kind of an indication to me that I am. I wonder if I should show a nutritionist my journal and see what he/she thinks about it. Anyway, longer post soon. Hopefully it will be a good one... about guilt.....

256 lbs!

        Weigh-in was this morning, and I lost 6 lbs! I think that's pretty awesome for my first week. At first, the cravings were really horrible, but now, starting my second week, they seem to be getting a little better. Hopefully, soon enough they will be almost non-existent, more like how a normal body is supposed to operate, right?

        I've drastically changed my eating habits in the past week. I think in this week I've eaten more of a variety of food than I have in the past few years! Cooking for myself and making good food choices and writing everything down has been difficult at times, mostly because in the beginning all I wanted to do was run to the corner convenience store and buy a bag of chips. But now I'm making sure to reach for the apple, or the peach, or the popcorn instead. My body already feels a lot better. I abused it for so long with all the fast food I consumed, and yes, sometimes even purged, if only to make room for more. I find myself also thinking about food all the time now, like I never did before. I make sure I plan my meals ahead of time so I wont have the chance to mess up because I am not prepared when the hunger strikes. I look up recipes and nutritional information and wonder what I want to cook next and spend time writing down every last morsel. It might seem like a lot, but right now it's working. -6lbs means it's working and I am very happy about that, even if it has been time-consuming. I know that eventually it will be like second nature to me. Eating crap will no longer be the easy go-to option and I will find it easier to make these healthy decisions. Making the decisions has always been the easy part, it's sticking with it that I've found difficult. And so it begins, more weight loss means more motivation, means I can keep doing this because I have been doing this and it's working.

        Does anyone else find that eating healthier, making healthier choices has made you think about eating all the time? It's almost like an obsession. Who knew? Thinking about food all the time and yet losing weight because of the great choices I've been making... :)

Jeans, kind of down one size

        This morning I tried on a pair of size 18 regular (Old Navy Sweetheart jeans)... and they fit! Right now, I am still wearing my old size 20 regular stretch (Old Navy Sweetheart jeans), but I am so so so happy to know that the smaller jeans fit, a little tight, but they button up and look fine. I thought the jeans I had on were stretched out and loose, turns out I have also shrunk a tiny bit inside them!

        So far, my "lifestyle change" has included:
- For the past 3 weeks, 3 days of exercise per week during which I do the C25K program for 30 min.
- For the past few days, preparing foods in advance, keeping healthier options like carrots, apples, almonds, and yogurt on hand for snacks, and writing down everything I eat.

        I have not been on the scale to see how much it has budged (weigh-in is on Sunday morning!) but If I did I'm sure it would not be much different than where I started. The clothes fitting though is a great motivator because I know that the more I exercise and continue to eat right, the smaller my size is going to get. I love non-scale victories and smaller jeans! =)

        p.s. I say "kind of" down a size, because I've only been wearing size 20 jeans for the past few months. I was stuck at size 18 for a few years, and when I go down to 16 that is going to feel like an even bigger victory for me!

Comments are working!

        Thanks for giving me the heads-up about my comments not working... the comments box should be up and running now! :)

What's the plan?

What am I doing?

        I am planning ahead and being prepared and cooking healthy meals. I got to this weight because I always took the easy way out. Fast food was a constant companion. Cookies, chips, chocolate. My body has been put through so much. I have consumed so much junk in the past. Eating fast food is no longer an option, I will avoid it at all costs. Forever, if possible. Cooking is a must. I am preparing everything in advance to make sure hunger doesn't sneak up on me and lead me down the road to more tempting, easy options, junk.

        For exercise, I am doing the Cool Running Couch-to-5k program (C25K) which means that right now I am only exercising 3 days a week. I am going to start walking outside for exercise every other day and also do some crunches at night before bed.

        I know that I can't do this alone. I am online because I need to find people here who are going through these same struggles. I have read so many blogs lately where people have posted 100+lbs lost. That is so awesome, I hope to join their ranks one day. I am going to start leaving comments here and there, hopefully some people will come visit my page. I can use all the support I can get!

Day 1

        I begin today.

        I think maybe if I constantly had mirrors around me all the time I never would have gotten as fat as I am. Almost 270 pounds? Never! I really believe that as I walk around in this body of mine I never really think about my weight. When I am working or eating or watching TV or anything, I never really give a thought to my body or my weight or my size. I pretty much feel like I did 8-9 years ago when I was a much thinner 160 pounds. I guess, in my mind I'm still that size 12 girl from high school who wore 'normal' clothes yet felt fat and out of place anyway. Looking back at old pictures I realize I was pretty normal sized. Compared to what I look like now, I was very thin! Not anorexic, but healthy, 'normal', looking good. I am seriously confounded as to why I felt fat back then when I looked fine, great. Now I find myself at 262 pounds hardly fitting into a size 18-20. It hurts. As I look through recent pictures of myself I see a girl almost bursting out of her body. My face is huge. My body is huge. It is quite obviously the embodiment of the statement "you would be so pretty if only you were thinner." I see that now, I do.

        So, enough is enough. I am done being fat. That's it. I have had enough of constantly feeling uncomfortable, being huge, not fitting into clothes, being unhappy with myself. I start changing things right now. Today. I can't wait to see the numbers on the scale get progressively smaller. I have had enough of being overweight, fat, obese. Today I start day 1 of my new lifestyle change. I am committing to this and I will see my commitment, my promise to myself, through this time. I will stick to it every day, every week, every month, until the numbers on the scale say 150lbs, and then I will keep my commitment so that the numbers never again creep up as they have so many times in the past.

        Some more words that push me, words about commitment, by W.H. Murray, The Scottish Himalayan Expedition: Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way. I learned a deep respect for one of Goethe's couplets:

        "Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it.
        Boldness has genius, power and magic in it!"

start stop start stop start stop... and START again.

        I am waking up. Committing. No turning back.

        Read on for the words that motivated me. Words can say so much, describe so much, push me so much. Hopefully this is the final push I needed.....

        Twitching with Twight by Mark Twight
        What's your problem? I think I know. You see it in the mirror every morning: temptation and doubt hip to hip inside your head. You know it's not supposed to be like this ...
        Tell the truth. First, to yourself. Say it until it hurts. Learn the reality of your own selfishness. Quit living for other people at the expense of your own self, you're not really alive. You live in the land of denial - and they say the view is pretty a long as you remain asleep.
Well it's time to WAKE THE FUCK UP!
        So do it. Wake up. When you drink the coffee tomorrow, take it black and notice it. Feel the caffeine surge through you. Don't take it for granted. Use it for something.
        ... Punish your body to perfect your soul. ... show, don't tell. Don't react to the itch with a scratch. Instead, learn it. Honor the necessity of both the itch and the scratch. But a haircut and a new soundtrack do not a modern man make. As long as you have a safety net you act without commitment. You'll go back to your old habits once you meet a little resistance. You need the samurai's desperateness and his insanity.
        Burn the bridge. Nuke the foundation. Back yourself up against a wall. Have an opinion one way or the other, get off the fence and rip it up. Cut yourself off so there is no going back. Once you're committed the truth will come out. You ask about security? What you need is uncertainty. What you need is confusion; something that forces you to reinvent yourself, a whip to drive you harder.
        "I never try anything - I just do it. Want to try me?" White Zombie, "Thunder Kiss"
        In Dune, Frank Herbert called it "the attitude of the knife, cut off what's incomplete and say now it has finished, for it has ended there. So finish it, and walk away, forward. Only acts undertaken with commitment have meaning. Only your best effort matters. Life is a Meritocracy, with death as the auditor. Inconsistency, incompetence and lies are all cut short by that final word. Death will change you if you can't change yourself.